So yeah. Feel like you know me any better? Probably not.
But if you've ever been with me in a group of close friends, you know i usually fall asleep because i feel so comfortable and cozy with everyone around. I feel at home. (Read: if i fall asleep in your presence, do not take it that you're boring me - feel honored that you make me feel so comfortable!)
But i really feel like the person in the song wants to leave - but can't get over the comfort of where he already is. This is what really hits home to me - the torment of wanting both at the same time. He talks about wanting out (LEAVE) and feeling at home (STAY) and the open road (LEAVE)...."windows open and close... that's just how it goes"...?
Since i was old enough to drive and use Expedia, i've roamed. I'm nomadic by choice and by desire. Nobody makes me go, i just always want to go. And the idea of getting too comfortable for too long now scares me. Commitment of any kind causes me to freak out and run in the opposite direction. I don't really know why.
i've just crossed my 2 year mark of living in Florida again. Which seems like nothing to most people, because i already lived here for 21 years prior, but it stresses me out. For some reason, all i can see is the entire world in front of me. is that a bad thing? i dont know. is enjoying the sunshine for now, and seeing everything else later a bad thing? I don't know.
i have no idea what i want. or need. or should do. But this is completely self imposed. I think these are questions i've run from for a long time.... and avoided them by doing exactly that - running.
So i'm trying to sit still for a moment. Praying for direction, peace, and mayyyyybe just for someone to make these kind of decisions for me ;) God has already shown up in some cool ways. And i know i'm not alone in this.
A verse i have taped to my desk is Phillippians 4:4-9. I love Paul. He doesn't always make it pretty or easy, but he always give sit to your straight. This verse is consistently challenging - because i do not always rejoice in the Lord. Having it taped to my desk helps as a reminder, though. And I've read it so many times in the past year, i actually have it memorized:
"Rejoice in the Lord always, i say it again - rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all - the Lord is near. Do not be ANXIOUS in anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, presents your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, or just - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about these things. Whatever you have heard or seen or received from me, put these into practice. and the God of peace will be with you."
So right now - i'm clinging onto that promise for dear life, and practicing it the best i can. I'm working on the constant rejoice, i promise.
But this is just a little honesty for the day. Maybe you've been here. Maybe you have advice. Maybe you just love Paul or Jimmy Eat World as much as i do?
Life isn't always easy. But it'd be pretty boring if it was. Agreed?