song lyrics evoke honesty.

Posting song lyrics on social media and blogs can be a tricky thing. Sometimes, good lyrics just happen to sound depressing or angry or some other type of emotion i promise i'm not feeling - somtimes they're just good lyrics. I would hate for people to think that any song lyrics were a cry for help or me trying to express some secret feelings that i was too shy to share - because if i'm angry, sad or helplessly in love, i'm probably just going to tell you. Not expect you to assume it based on a song :)

But to be honest, every so often there are certain songs that i truly think to myself "this is totally my song". And in the most non emo way possible, this song, "The World You Love" by Jimmy Eat World is totally my song. 

I have no idea what this song "means" (there are many speculations). And to be fair, i've heard this song (no exaggeration) probably a thousand times over the past 6.5 years since i got this album, and i would never have labeled it a favorite (i love it! but it's not my favorite), but right now, the first few verses mean a lot. Give em a read.

i got a story it's almost finished

all i need is someone to tell it too

maybe, that's you.

our time is borrowed and spent to freely

every minute i have needs to be made up

but how?

i'm looking for a nice way to say

"i'm out."

i want out.

i fall asleep with my friends around me

only place i know, i feel safe

i'm gonna call this home

the open road is still miles away

ain't nothing serious 

we still have our fun

oh we had it once

but windows open and close

that's just how it goes

So yeah. Feel like you know me any better? Probably not. 

But if you've ever been with me in a group of close friends, you know i usually fall asleep because i feel so comfortable and cozy with everyone around. I feel at home. (Read: if i fall asleep in your presence, do not take it that you're boring me - feel honored that you make me feel so comfortable!)

But i really feel like the person in the song wants to leave - but can't get over the comfort of where he already is. This is what really hits home to me - the torment of wanting both at the same time. He talks about wanting out (LEAVE) and feeling at home (STAY) and the open road (LEAVE)...."windows open and close... that's just how it goes"...?

Since i was old enough to drive and use Expedia, i've roamed. I'm nomadic by choice and by desire. Nobody makes me go, i just always want to go. And the idea of getting too comfortable for too long now scares me. Commitment of any kind causes me to freak out and run in the opposite direction. I don't really know why.

i've just crossed my 2 year mark of living in Florida again. Which seems like nothing to most people, because i already lived here for 21 years prior, but it stresses me out. For some reason, all i can see is the entire world in front of me. is that a bad thing? i dont know. is enjoying the sunshine for now, and seeing everything else later a bad thing? I don't know.

i have no idea what i want. or need. or should do. But this is completely self imposed. I think these are questions i've run from for a long time.... and avoided them by doing exactly that - running. 

So i'm trying to sit still for a moment. Praying for direction, peace, and mayyyyybe just for someone to make these kind of decisions for me ;) God has already shown up in some cool ways. And i know i'm not alone in this.

A verse i have taped to my desk is Phillippians 4:4-9. I love Paul. He doesn't always make it pretty or easy, but he always give sit to your straight. This verse is consistently challenging - because i do not always rejoice in the Lord. Having it taped to my desk helps as a reminder, though. And I've read it so many times in the past year, i actually have it memorized:


"Rejoice in the Lord always, i say it again - rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all - the Lord is near. Do not be ANXIOUS in anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, presents your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, or just - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about these things. Whatever you have heard or seen or received from me, put these into practice. and the God of peace will be with you."


So right now - i'm clinging onto that promise for dear life, and practicing it the best i can. I'm working on the constant rejoice, i promise.


But this is just a little honesty for the day. Maybe you've been here. Maybe you have advice. Maybe you just love Paul or Jimmy Eat World as much as i do? 


Life isn't always easy. But it'd be pretty boring if it was. Agreed?